A Disaster Manual for Depression
by Mary Jane Grange, R.N.
Published: 2008
Binding: Softcover
Pages: 221 pages
ISBN: 978-1-4269-3627-2
Cost: $22.95 plus shipping and handling; click HERE to order.
Letter to Step Parents Who Have Become Depressed
When someone remarries, everyone in the blend family experiences many fears and trials. Death, divorce, and years of being single are difficult. However, step parents feel that they have no say in their marriage. Their role is to become invisible. Yet step parents are expected to pay for all the bills and handouts in the marriage. Everyone loses their identity and self esteem when treating family this way. All become neither root nor branch. The attachment to the family becomes restricted by themselves, spouses, children, step children, grandparents, extended family, and even society. A step parent sees no end in sight and becomes depressed. What is one supposed to do when their name is had for good and evil, mostly evil in a marriage? I have given some suggestions on restoring your dignity and easing your depression in this book.
Excerpt from "Neither Root Nor Branch":
I am a registered nurse who retired from Latter-Day Saints Hospital (LDS) in Salt Lake City, Utah, to marry a man with eight children. His first wife passed away with cancer. Like all families and step families, we had our challenges. During my nursing career, I noticed that addictions, depression, and suicide were increasing in families and step families over the years. I did not know why. When it was my turn to experience the challenges that these families and step families were experiencing, I decided quickly that I did not want to respond to our difficulties with these methods of escape. It took me a little while to get a handle on this experience. I pondered and prayed a lot about this matter.
When I felt depression coming on, I prayed to know what was happening to us. I, of course, prayed to discover how to fix our family. I began noticing others were having the same problems that we were having. The failures were as similar as a script. Only the names were changed. It appeared no one was concerned about the step families of the world. These kinds of casualties were expected. Step families are not viewed as fixable anymore by the families and step families of the world. Families and step families were told to tough it out and to get second and third jobs by counselors in order to tough it out. We may not realize it, but we are writing off a very large segment of our population.
We take pill after pill for our wounds and our attention deficit disorders. Many of these medications are not legal. We go to every sports function and watch every movie that is released from Hollywood year after year. It does not matter how old you are. When you watch people play sports or act in movies and who have attention deficit disorders year after year, what do you get over the years? You guessed it. You get family members with the same kinds of attention deficit disorders and depression. The attention deficit disorders and depressions are worse in step families because step mothers are not allowed to care for their step family. Biological children no longer respond to their parents the way they used to do before their parents became step parents. Children and parents in step families never get to experience the family experience which the Creator of this world planned for all of us.
I am not teaching you false doctrine. You can look up these scriptures yourself. To save space, I did paraphrase. We will be learning concepts in scripture line up line, precept upon precept, here a little, and there a little as the prophet Isaiah advised. The scriptures will make more sense and will be easier to remember. This is what will help you. After all, you are getting wounds heaped on wounds with irrational reasoning on top of irrational reasoning many times in your life. Parents and step parents might as well know the mysteries of raising children and step children, living with a spouse, improving oneself, and enduring to the end all at the same time. This comes precept by precept so our inexperienced minds can absorb these concepts.
The topics which we will be discussing are intense. Depression, drug and alcohol addictions, and suicidal thoughts are intense. Go as fast or as slow as you want. There are questions for you to answer at the end of each chapter. I know you are busy and may not have the time to answer these questions with long essays. Writing does help relieve stress. These questions are your layers of stress. You will be able to think of more questions and become aware of more layers of stress. I recommend a private notebook to keep track of your answers.
These questions are not designed for you to beat up on yourselves. You have had enough of that. I know these questions will cause many tears in both men and women. It is okay to cry. You are not a failure because your children and step children hate you and are doing things to aggravate you. The only way that you can change your children and step children is to change and improve yourselves and your homes.
I have written two other books in this manner. One book is on step parenting, and the other book is on attention deficit disorders. Parents and step parents deal with many problems in second and third marriages. There are many pits created to destroy your step family. A step mother may have multiple biological children, multiple step children, and multiple spouses with attention deficit disorders. This is why she becomes overburdened and depressed. Step fathers are becoming more and more depressed. Roles are switching.
Mother is working more and harder for the family than father. Both mother and father always want to make their families and step families better. Better cannot happen this way.
I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ. I do not have the authority or stewardship to speak for the President or members of The Church of Jesus Christ. I understand this. I do feel impressed to try and assist the step parents of the world with the wisdom that I have learned in my step parenting and nursing experiences and experiences with the scriptures. I hope this helps you. You certainly will always have someone praying for you. I do not want my books to replace the scriptures. There are many more things in the scriptures than what I have been able to tell you. These things will help you. The Savior is a better teacher than I am. Pray for His assistance. Isaiah told us:
“3 He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief:
and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
4Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.
5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities:
the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.”
Isaiah 53:3 - 5, The Holy Bible
Despised, rejected, sorrowful, acquainted with grief, no acknowledgment, smitten of God, and afflicted sounds like step parenting. This also sounds like depression. You may not realize it, but Christ is our spiritual step parent. Heavenly Father taught Christ how to be our spiritual step parent as well as the Savior of God’s children. Heavenly Father taught Christ how to handle all of the burdens and sorrows of mankind at the same time. This is quite a task. Ask any mother of a large family. She can tell you how hard it is to bare the burdens of one family.
Our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, have created a time for us to grow up in private. Only four generations approximately will know of our struggles. It is not helpful to us to carry on our personal struggles and family battles for an eternity. Personal failures and family battles keep us from the peaceable things of His Kingdom which we will be relying on for an eternity. I suspect our family and step family battles will remain in the telestial and terrestrial kingdoms. We will not be allowed to progress to the Celestial Kingdom without mercy, love, and forgiveness for each other.
“If thou shalt ask, thou shalt receive revelation upon revelation, knowledge
upon knowledge, that thou mayest know the mysteries and peaceable things
that which bringeth joy, that which bringeth life eternal.”
Doctrine and Covenants 42:61
Christ managed anger, sorrow, depression, and grief with the same principles He teaches us in scripture. I encourage you to look up the words in these principles also in Webster’s Dictionary. We speak in slang so much. We do not know what these words really mean anymore. Our experiences are too limited to completely rely on our knowledge.
Walking Backwards. One of the first tasks that we accomplish in life is learning how to walk with stability. The infant accomplishes this task by learning how to hold his head up without support, rolling over, sitting, standing, and then baby steps. Each action strengthens a specific group of muscles. All of these muscle groups are needed for walking. When babies first learn to crawl, they crawl backwards. Our bodies were created so we could walk forward. We may occasionally back up, but I suspect we walk forward over ninety-five percent of our time on Earth. Our eyes are placed in the front of our bodies. Our feet and toes are placed forward on our legs. Even our ears are placed in a manner that we can sense our balance while walking forward. Can you imagine how uncomfortable life would be to walk backwards all our life? Our spirits want to walk forward, too.
Dear Father, Mother, Step Mother, Step Father, Child, and Step Child:
In Malachi 4:1-2 in the Old Testament of The Holy Bible, the Lord of Hosts tells us that the day would come that shall burn as an oven; and the proud and the wicked shall be stubble. They shall burn, and they will be left neither root nor branch. However, those that fear the Lord’s name shall arise with healing in his wings and shall go forth and grow up as calves of the stall. This day is here.
Many parents and step parents are suffering from spiritual dyslexia. We call light dark and dark light. As a result, many fathers and mothers, stepfathers and step mothers, the providers and protectors of the family, are being burned by their children and step children. Parents and step parents are treated as “neither root nor branch.” Parents and step parents have been retired prematurely by their children and step children. This is very distressing and depressing for parents and step parents. Even children and step children are depressed with this behavior.
Step parents and parents, it is common for your name to be had for good and evil in spite of your best efforts. This will cause you to doubt your ability to parent, or you will stop parenting completely. You will also become depressed. The pain and conflicts are far beyond “mean step mother or step father clashing with a Cinderella step child.” If step parenting does not change, step parents will be continually dealing with wayward children and rapidly depleting resources as well as poor health. If step parents do not control their finances, their health, and themselves, even while being victimized, there is no need for wayward children to change.
In spite of much love and efforts for our families and step families, families and step families are choking. Many women and men are depressed and have thoughts of suicide or divorce. I have pointed out the areas where we are choking. Society is using many things to ease the discomfort when one has choked. I decided to look for and have include affordable suggestions that will stop the choking, not just ease the discomfort of choking. I have included ways to return your dignity to yourself. There are other alternatives than multiple medications, addictions, divorce, and suicide.
Mary Jane Grange, R.N.